Hello, you. As always when I am happy or at least stable, I didn’t write to you. But when I feel sad, or anxious, or million other uncomfortable feelings I honestly having a hard time describing, I’ll go to you. My safe place, my home, my calling. And so tonight I write to you again after months. After sailing in the pile of clouds only to find I stumble upon cumulonimbus and not paradise. So typical of me, right? I know for sure if you are a human then you just smirk reading all of those words. While saying told you so.
But at the very least, I keep my promise. I don’t lose myself, though barely. Keeping my composure and not losing focus over things that bring me joy despite wanting to swim in all those negative thoughts is not an easy task. Sometimes I just want to throw all of those things out and disappear somewhere unknown.
And today maybe is finally the tip of the iceberg got hit by the ship. Some hurtful words, finally, force me to pour my tears. I am a whole range of mad, pissed, angry, hurted, and humiliated. I don’t get why some people can be so mean, but then I too don’t get why some people can be so stupid. Some use words to empower, some use words to bring others down. And today’s little incident certainly humbled me. That I am indeed still learning to be compassionate to people (because honestly I want to rip that person’s mouth out or at least say the exact same hurtful words to them). And also to remember that their words are not about me but more about how they are feeling of themselves.
Going home with a heavy heart, I decided to go to rooftop aka jemuran and see the moon, listening to melancholic songs like Nadin Amizah’s teenage fans (I listen to her songs though I’m not a teenager anymore ๐). I cried a little. Okay a lot that maybe if people find me then, they’ll think I just got dumped wkwk. After some sad songs and sad sobs, my clumsy finger accidentally opened Twitter’s DM.
I got one message! From @muthiatsp
So a lil background story, I have this weird and sok asik habit of private messaging people who sounds sad and/or desperate. And back in June 2022, I DMed her while her tweets sound sad. She replied my DM today, an hour before I opened it.
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The universe is so kind and weird all at the same time. It shows me how some people can be so cruel but then it shows me too that there’s kindness all over the place. Maybe not exactly everywhere, but in a lot of places ๐
I hope today the world does the same to you. It teaches you something, then rewards you with the kind of comfort you always need.